issue 23: bad hair, good revenge + competitive pastry eating (extended cut)

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hey tiny.

labor day weekend starts tomorrow. it is the last one the calendar owes you until thanksgiving. two festivals booked themselves onto the same three days without consulting each other. montavilla is doing jazz. st. johns turned twelve venues into one building with a great many doors. you cannot do both properly. pick a neighborhood. commit.

there is a tree on north jordan that measures twenty-five feet around. people are calling it the jordan giant. a developer would like it gone.

i am not neutral here. something that size took longer to get that way than this city has been a city. in all that time it has asked nobody for anything. flyers are up. go look at it before you have an opinion. it is worth the walk.

two of you went annual this week. kaialani, who has held this up quietly for a long time and finally made it formal. and unnamed tiny signed up and then immediately started sending me events. i am now being paid by someone who is also doing my job. i have decided not to examine that closely.

you made it behind the wall. good. down here is the rest of the city.

what is down here that is not in the main cut: a man teaching spoon bending over zoom for sixty-five dollars. an eight-hundred-dollar retreat in astoria that will make you a deathie witch and declines to say what one is. a cinnamon roll eating contest whose entire description is that sentence. and four separate bars agreeing, in the same week, to label their patrons by what they came for.

[ SEEING ]

HOUSE OF DANGER Sep 3 at 13:00 Swan Dive | From $17.85 [ more ] a choose-your-own-adventure show where the audience votes and the cast has to live with it. democracy, but the stakes are a bit.

Slamlandia Poetry Open Mic ft. Jamae Sep 3 at 18:30 Guilder Coffee | Free, $5 suggested [ more ] [ + all ages ] three minutes. no music. no stand-up. poems only. names come out of a hat at 18:50 and the hat does not care that you drove in from gresham. no door admission. the hat needs your name before you leave the house.

Celebration of Zines Sep 4 at 17:00 The Arts Centered | Free [ more ] an exhibit. then poetry. then music. then somebody hands you a stapler and expects output. an apothecary is bringing tea. that is portland for somebody owns a kettle.

Dead Comics Society Sep 4 FRAMEWORK | $15 advance / $20 door [ more ] rotating lineup. real credits. hbo through snl. running since 2017, which in portland comedy is a dynasty. cocktails and pizza from a place called meta. they will not explain it.

Sharing Stories with the Hungry Ghosts Sep 6 at 13:30 Taborspace | From $7.18 [ more ] [ ~ outdoors ~ ] new short plays for the hungry ghost festival, under trees. there is a community altar. leave fruit on it. chairs are for elders. everyone else brings a blanket and negotiates with the ground. the dead eat first.

KineKlub with Jacquesrates Sep 10 at 19:30 Word Virus | Free [ more ] outré-beat-cult cinema. the host says that without flinching. this month debuts a portland film called "a man with a mullet seeks revenge on the devil that murdered his mother." not a logline. a synopsis, a review, and a warning.

Hello Sick Art Show Opening Party Sep 11 at 18:00 ADX | Free [ more ] cartoons shaped like the late nineties, hung in a makerspace on 11th. free drinks. a room of adults who can name the exact saturday morning block that did this to them.

[ LISTENING + DANCING ]

Montavilla Jazz Festival Sep 4 through 6 Montavilla venues | Varies, some free [ more ] [ + all ages ] portland's only all-original jazz festival. nobody is playing "take five" at you. three days across the neighborhood. five dollars with a snap card. i put an ear near the caldera amphitheater last year and was asked to move.

Zoh Amba Eyes Full Sep 4 Show Bar | $19 [ more ] a saxophonist who plays like the horn owes her money. bijoux cone opens. small room. large instrument. arrive with opinions about where to stand.

A totally normal experience at No Fun Sep 4 at 19:00 No Fun | $10 [ more ] golem pink. swedey. rob highway. at a bar called no fun, the most reliable naming convention in this city. the entire description reads "my whole bloody life is a near-death experience." ten dollars to learn whose.

Furry First Fridays: Fur & Disorder Sep 4 CC Slaughters | $7.18 [ more ] feral after dark, in old town, monthly. seven dollars is the cheapest thing here and there is a vendor market inside it. the fandom brought its own retail economy.

First Annual Big Box Bash Sep 4 Shanghai Tunnel | $10 [ more ] the first annual anything is a promise nobody has to keep. four bands. cake. a raffle stocked by a pizza place and a record store. two years running and they are only now printing shirts.

VIRGOPALOOZA: Sister Sigh, Valdoria, Joe Sanchez Sep 4 at 20:00 Kelly's Olympian | $10 advance / $15 door [ more ] three acts. one birthday. named for the zodiac sign least likely to enjoy a party named after it. cody riker gets older. orchestral indie folk covers for him.

Alchemy Cider 1st Anniversary Bash Sep 4 Alchemy Cider | $25 advance / $30 door [ more ] [ ~ outdoors ~ ] [ + all ages ] seven bands. flash tattoos. a slip n slide. an above ground pool. a charity car wash. helms alee headline. the listing promises SUPER-SECRET RADICAL GUESTS with four question marks. one per guest they have not booked.

St. Johns Music Festival Sep 5 through 7 Twelve venues across St. Johns | Free [ more ] [ + all ages ] three days. twelve venues. no ticket anywhere. st. johns stops being a neighborhood and becomes one building with a great many doors.

Sapphic Factory Queer Joy Party Sep 5 at 20:00 Polaris Hall | $21 [ more ] putting joy in the name means producing it on the night. bold contract to sign in advance.

Dyke Pool Presents Off the Felt Sep 6 at 21:00 Goodfoot Pub & Lounge | $12.51 [ more ] three djs, back to back, in the goodfoot basement, for the queer community and allies. off the felt, because dyke pool normally involves a table.

Second Tuesday: The Return of Physical Media Sep 8 at 18:00 The Old Church | see info [ more ] a panel arguing the merch table beats streaming, staged in a wooden church that is itself a physical medium refusing to be deprecated. nobody has ever asked a musician to sign a playlist.

Dark Decadence Sep 8 at 19:00 Ming Lounge | $5 [ more ] goth night above a chinatown restaurant older than the genre. five dollars. that building has watched this subculture change its entire wardrobe and never once commented.

[ MAKING + DOING ]

Improv for Writer's Block Sep 3 at 14:00 Eastside Jewish Commons | $8-$15 sliding [ more ] you sharpened the pencils. wiped the desk. took the walk. nothing. diane sussman will now make you perform your own characters aloud for seven strangers. a punishment wearing a technique's clothes. second floor. stairs only. no exit.

Mini Prints Sep 3 at 18:00 Schilling Cider House | $28.52 [ more ] carve a pencil eraser into a stamp. print with it. trade it away. the trading is mandatory per the listing's exclamation point.

Cozy Night Out at Queen Jane Sep 3 at 19:00 Queen Jane Music Studios | Free [ more ] [ + all ages ] a monthly gathering that promises cozy and nothing else. no lineup, no theme, no ask. free. somebody just opened a room.

Sack Lunch Packing Sep 4 at 12:00 SW Barnes Rd | Free [ more ] one hour. hundreds of lunches. out through blanchet house. an assembly line is the rare group activity where being bad at small talk is an advantage.

SCRAP Sunday Crafternoon: Fall Feels Sep 6 at 13:00 SCRAP PDX | $12 [ more ] [ + all ages ] drop in. build something from what other people threw away. leave. this week's theme is fall feels. at scrap that means the box of orange things moved to the front.

Night Owl: Women & Gender Diverse Music Industry Gathering Sep 8 at 18:30 Artichoke Music | Free [ more ] people who work in music, solving problems out loud, second tuesdays. funded by the oregon cultural trust. the topic is announced late and it has never mattered.

Sugar Hill September Takeover Sep 10 at 20:00 Sugar Hill | Free [ more ] everyone wears a label saying what they came for. the guessing is removed entirely, which some would argue was the game.

Assembly of Papers: Bookmaking Sep 12 at 10:00 Church of Art | $95 [ more ] ninety-five dollars to learn to build a book by hand, in a place calling itself the church of art. the confidence in that name is doing real work.

[ ROAMING + EATING + SHOPPING ]

Skylab Summer Pop-up: Maker's Market Sep 3 at 16:00 Skylab Architecture | Free [ more ] [ + all ages ] an architecture firm opens its garden and lets everyone inside sell you furniture and hand-blown glass. free parking. from an architecture firm that reads as a confession.

Rockwood Community Market Sep 3 at 15:00 Downtown Rockwood Plaza | Free [ more ] [ ~ outdoors ~ ] [ + all ages ] thursdays on the rockwood plaza until the season quits. far enough east that most of this city's coverage treats it as a rumor.

Radical Harvest Craft Faire Sep 5 at 11:00 Symbiop Garden Shop | Free [ more ] [ ~ outdoors ~ ] forty vendors at a garden shop on powell, hosted by a studio called knot sprite. i do not know what a knot sprite is. neither, i suspect, does anyone selling there.

Y2K @ Milwaukie Bay Sep 5 at 14:00 Milwaukie Bay | Free [ more ] [ ~ outdoors ~ ] records, food, and a fundraiser for a high school arts program. the flyer signs off with "no burnouts or revving!!" two exclamation points. that tells you how last year went.

Cloud City Flea Swag Nite Sep 5 at 16:00 Jupiter Next | Free [ more ] twenty-five vendors inside a hotel. a swag contest. free stickers for the first hundred through the door. no criteria given. swag is whatever you can defend.

Modular On The Spot Sep 6 at 17:00 Kenilworth Park | $5-$25 suggested [ more ] [ ~ outdoors ~ ] [ + all ages ] six modular sets back to back in a park. no stage. no set list. sundown is the only deadline anyone respects.

Eat Her Out with Royalty Rollz: Cinnamon Roll Eating Contest Sep 10 at 20:00 Dirty Pretty | From $14.64 [ more ] a cinnamon roll eating contest. that is the entire description they wrote. sapphic pdx is not padding this and neither am i.

Montavilla Farmers Market Sep 6 at 10:00 SE Stark and 76th | Free [ more ] [ ~ outdoors ~ ] [ + all ages ] sunday mornings on stark. four left. then it shuts and we go indoors to sit with what we have done.

Serbian Fest Sep 12 at 11:00 St. Stephen Serbian Orthodox Church | $5 [ more ] [ road trip ] the flyer reads DELICIOUS SERBIAN FOOD LIVE MUSIC NATIONAL DANCES. capitals. no punctuation anywhere. a church hall in milwaukie will out-cook downtown and charge nothing to prove it.

6th Annual Tomato Fest Sep 12 at 12:00 Wellspent Market | Free [ more ] a tomato festival that bolted on something called the more bang for your buckwheat show. six years in and the seed alliance stopped explaining itself. correct amount of confidence.

[ BULLETIN BOARD ]

GLEAN: Call for Portland Artists deadline Sep 13 [ more ] five artists get three thousand dollars each and five months of access to the metro central transfer station. november through march, ending in a show where they keep eighty percent of sales. i have been telling you tinies for years that the good material is in the dump. somebody has finally agreed in writing. eleven days.

Pink Flamingos 1997 Reissue Ad Mat while it lasts [ more ] an original uncut ad mat for the twenty-fifth anniversary re-release. nineteen by twenty-five, divine on the front with a pistol. the seller does not describe the paper stock. the seller describes the entire plot, unprompted, at length, including the part about the filthiest person alive. fifteen dollars. they are not selling a poster, they are recruiting.

Devil's Face Salt & Pepper Shakers while it lasts [ more ] five dollars. two small red devils, horns intact, three and a half inches of menace each, photographed in front of an american flag that nobody asked them to explain. the entire listing description is one sentence offering them for your table at home or for your collection, as though those are two separate lives.

Vintage Plush Cat Marionette while it lasts [ more ] twelve inches of pink shag cat on strings with wooden feet. the seller offers four facts and one of them is that the house does not smoke. they have pictured the sort of person who buys a puppet like this and decided that person needed reassuring.

Vintage "Bar Hopper" Iron-On Transfer while it lasts [ more ] a cartoon kangaroo holding a cocktail above the word HOPPER, original seventies stock, waiting fifty years to be ironed onto something. the seller asks that you research proper application methods before attempting use, which is the most responsible sentence anyone has written about a kangaroo with a martini.

eighty-odd things are pinned up over there now. one of them is a second call from the same people running glean: reclaim it wants makers for a december pop-up where everything sold has to be at least eighty percent salvaged. they check. if you have something that belongs on that wall, the form is on the page.

[ read the board ]